Come Selahway With Me…

So yeah, my apologies that I’ve let things sit for a couple of days. The blog tour has me pretty busy, probably busier than I’d anticipated. Still, I want people to be able to amuse themselves while I’m away, so I have some interesting prospects to take my place for the moment. Take this guy, for example.

A Discretionary Note from Selah Janel: DO NOT FOLLOW THESE GUIDELINES. JUST DON’T. THIS IS STUPID AND I’M ONLY POSTING IT BECAUSE ULJAH IS IN MY BOOK. THIS SOLVES NOTHING AND IS HILARIOUS BUT NO. JUST…NO.

Letting It All Go: Why Not Caring is the Solution

in Your Daily Life or When Your Realm is at an End

by Uljah Toothgnasher

It seems these days, whether ya live in the farmlands, the suburbs, or the city proper, that there’s a lot of stress. It don’t matter if you happen to be a person, a troll, an ogre, or even a pixie or elf. These days, we all got a lot to worry ’bout. Gettin’ a job, keepin’ a job, gettin’ a spouse, hidin’ from a spouse, deciding whether to have kids or leave them in a forest somewhere, contemplating stock and retirement options…there’s a lot to think about. So what’s a poor sod to do?

Ignore it.

Yep, it’s that easy. Just don’t pay it no mind, don’t even acknowledge that it exists. It’ll go away, or the police or Sheriff or whatever’ll come and lock you in a dungeon and then you won’t have to worry ’bout nothin’ no more.

But Uljah, I hear you whine, there’s repercussions for everything! How can you sit there and blather such tripe into a little laptop and expect us to believe you? Where’s your proof? Where’s your experience?

I’m here to tell you that the fact that I’m still standing is experience and proof enough. In one bloody spring (figuratively and literally) a friend and I were nearly mugged, involved in a brawl, plus I was kidnapped and almost ritually sacrificed. Granted, it reminded me of my honeymoon, but it wasn’t no fun, I can tell you that. Add to that all the charges the wife was ringin’ up on me cards and the coins she was diggin’ up from the yard and it just was one giant mess.

Spindles and briars! I hear you gasp. Bluebeard’s balls, what did you do, Uljah?!

Simple. I just went with it. There comes a point where you gotta realize even if things get worse, they’ll get so bad that you won’t be part of the equation, so you won’t have to worry about it!

The mugger was actually an assassin, but he went and got himself dead, so there was no use worryin’ bout him.

We won the brawl and most of those that attacked us got themselves killed, so we didn’t have to worry about that. True, my friend Paddlelump was looking at charges, but that ended up not happening, so why fret about it while it’s going on? Really, caring just wastes energy.

And the whole ritual sacrifice thing? Eh, I ended up blacking out but my pals saved me. Missed a hell a fight, but didn’t have to deal with it. And even if I had, the realm would’ve ended so then there wouldn’t be anything to raise a fuss over.

My point is caring is overrated. Worrying is nothing but trouble. Just be apathetic and you’ll find it works itself out. Or run away and hide, that’s a good option, too. If that doesn’t work, pass out and let others take care of things for you.

I’ve seen a lot in my years, and I’m still alive, so it just goes to show that things usually work out. And if they don’t you’ll be dead and won’t have to trouble yourself anymore.

***

Uljah Toothgnasher is a troll, butcher, and resident of Kingdom City, The Land. While this is his first venture into writing, he appears frequently in the book Olde School which you can find on print, kindle, nook, and kobo.  Although mostly good-natured, he thinks he’s funnier than he really is.