Kingdom City Guest Post: The Tribulations of a Modern Heroine by Nobody

And because she’s mad at me for trying to interview her without telling her what it was for the other day at Sheila Deeth’s blog, somebody wanted to get a word in for themselves. I mean Nobody did. Or…whatever. Apparently this is really bad advice week here on the blog.

Discretionary Note from SJ: Again, please don’t take this advice. She’s a weirdo. I don’t care if she looks cute and sweet. Just don’t. Seriously, do not trust this gal. The only reason I’ve allowed this to be posted is to show you what NOT to do and to have a chuckle. I hold NONE of these opinions and am, in fact, wondering why I let her write a post in the first place.


The Tribulations of a Modern Heroine


How to Seize Fate and Get What You Want and Still Look Cute and Fool Everybody

By Nobody, from Nowhere, Dauther of No One


There have been many arguments lately about whether a woman should be feminine and endearing, or assertive and progressive in this modern world. Should she stay at home or try to find work as a secretary or maid? Should she strive harder and become a lawyer, doctor, or CEO?

I must admit that I see the benefits in both sides. I have no desire to work, but in this modern era a girl must break her way out of her circumstances. Sometimes we must do things that seem disgusting or unseemingly to advance our position (like housework. Have you seen what happens to dishes? People EAT off of them!). However, there are benefits to these activities. You might gain favor or friendship and advance to another position, maybe even make your way into court if you are running errands and catch the eye of a squire or checkout boy with connections. You may be able to save your earnings and go to school so you can learn how to destroy the lives or condemn the buildings of your tormentors employers. Think of it: if you study and become a medical professional and the people who bothered you early in life come to you when sick, they never have to know that you’re giving them a rare plague in capsule form instead of medicine.

I chose to shoot higher, though. True, I’ve had a setback for the moment, but I cannot help but think it will benefit me in the long run. The true greats knew suffering: Cinderella, Snow White, that weirdo miller girl who was kidnapped by Rumplestiltskin in the movies (although I only saw up through part three). Forget the legacy of King Thadd and the equality of the present day. Sometimes the traditional ways are best. That is why I had no fear about leaving my small homeland, disguising myself, and taking a job as a maid for a foul creature. I do not fancy menial work, but many, many princesses suffered servitude before they were handed love, wealth, and glory. Besides, I did play my employment selection smart. After all, who likes trolls? Princes. Why? Because they kidnap cute girls and have treasure. So what did I need to do?

If you said get information on your employer while you are supposed to be working, feed it to all potential suitors, then encourage someone to murder my employer, well…I’m not technically allowed to say you are correct because of the court proceedings, but I’m not saying I’d rule it out as a possibility.

Whatever you do, though, play dumb until you make your move. Naivete is held high in girls and women, so don’t crush allusions by showing your manipulative, cunning side (though I like to think of it as my hard-working, decisive side). Play up your sweet side. Do not be afraid to act a little stupid so that you can bide your time and gather information. Flirtation and agreement are acceptable, as long as you do not get overly entangled in anything that prevents you from getting your way. Make sure you are put together well, for this serves as a sufficient screen for everyone in the outside world. If you are, in fact, tragic looking or of some creature-type descent, nothing I can say will help you. You should back out of the way and let those of us who have potential rule the realm  do our thing.

We all need our inspirations. If you admire your mother and friends who stayed home to raise their children, then do it! Be that beautiful mother. If you want to embrace your inner crone and dance around a pot and learn the ways of the universe while throwing herbs at people’s faces while reading palms or whatever it is they actually do out in the woods, then do that! Use that mystery to make everyone fear you and then steal their wallets when they run away from you in terror! If you want to raise up the career ladder to make everyone beneath you tremble at your corporate, high-slippered glory while you stomp on glass coffins or ceilings or whatever the phrase is, then go for it! If you want love, use whatever dating sites, whatever empty promises, whatever potions are at your disposal to net yourself the prince of your dreams! Just make sure he’s worth it – there are many out there who aren’t entirely honest on their online profiles. I know this for certain.

Because if you all do that, then I can attend to my true destiny.

After all, there may be many good women out there, and many effective princesses, but there can be only one PRINCESS. And if that means going back to the olde ways and summoning those that aided and terrorized the realm long before the days of Kingdom City, bringing about the end of the realm and a glorious new age…

Well that surely wouldn’t be anything I would ever do, but I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, either. After all, a real princess, a real heroine fights for what she believes in. If I believe in myself, what’s the harm in fighting for that?

All I’m really saying is that a woman should make up her mind and commit. Go after your Fate, your destiny. Write your own story. After all, it isn’t a question of being traditional or progressive, but rather, what do you need to do to get what you want.

Just make sure it’s not the same as mine, or we’re going to have some problems, you and I. And make no mistake, I have very Olde friends in very strange places.

Or I would if I was of the mind to.


Nobody is from Nowhere, The Land, and the Daughter of No One. Although this is her first time writing, she has agreed to interviews in the past, for better or worse. One of the more notorious citizens of Kingdom City after her relocation, she can also be found in the book Olde School, which is available in print, kindle, nook, and kobo. Nobody is currently a resident of The Towers maximum security dungeon, where she may or may not be awaiting trial and a subsequent tell-all book deal. Her pet cow is currently nowhere to be found.


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