The Lost Manuscripts: The Tooth Who Didn’t Want to be Cleaned

Eh, it’s summer, let’s have some fun. I haven’t done a lost manuscripts post in forever (you’re heartbroken, I know). Thankully I found a giant box of stuff to go through during The Culling last year, so I’ll have material for a long time. For those not in the loop, this is where I dig up stuff I wrote as a kid, transcribe it, and put my spin on it now. It’s every bit as terrible and horrific as you’d want. So, without delay, let’s take a look at the classic story of learning responsibility, a story longform enough that I actually bound it as a kid (with staples! So classy!) I present to you: The Tooth Who didn’t Want to Be Cleaned. (note, I’m also correcting most of my spelling/grammar errors, because I wouldn’t even do that to myself. The last page is really weirdly phrased, so I’ll leave that mostly as is).

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It’s important to note that NOWHERE else in the main book does this tooth have hair, so obviously she’s wearing a wig to escape a sordid past and this is actually a coded espionage title. Clearly, she wants to be a bond girl and her bad attitude can be fixed by love and understanding. Or something. I’ve slept through a lot of Bond films.

Obviously there’s also a reason I didn’t grow up to be an illustrator. Anywho, let’s begin. (No worries, I didn’t take pics of every illustration in this thing, because no one needs to go through that).

Once upon a time there lived a tooth named Julie. She didn’t like to get cleaned. Every time the flouride rinse, the toothbrush, and the floss would come, she would hide. 

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Obviously, my handwriting hasn’t improved much since I was 9. Also, I included this just because I have no clue how she’s even hiding. Is that a tongue? The mouth? Gums? Dental tools, guys, SHE’S RIGHT THERE! DO YOUR JOB BETTER! Maybe she figured out a way to be invisible. Sneaky Bond girl Julie. I also like how I had no idea what to do for flouride so it turned out looking lke a cup of punch or blood or something just being flung toward the general area of the mouth. Which is pretty much what I thought of mouthwash back then, so it checks out.

All the other teeth tried to get Julie to stop hiding, but it never worked. One day, Julie found a hole in her. “Oh great,” she said. “Now I have to go to the dentist!”

Julie’s like 90% more chill than I am when I have to go to the dentist, but Julie also only has to worry about herself and not the strange hellscape her entire mouth can be, unlike, uh, some people.

When the dentist tried to fix the hole, Julie hid. “Julie,” the dentist said, “please stop hiding or else you will rot and fall out!” Then Julie came out and let the dentist fix the hole.

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Ok, is the dentist fencing? Why is that drill SO HUGE? I’d had cavities by that point and wasn’t really freaked out, so WHERE did this come from? Was it too dangerous to get close? Was the dentist afraid Julie would kill her? I mean I’d be freaked if a sentient tooth took herself to the dentist, too, but the lady doesn’t seem to be that ruffled. Is she giving her a sci fi spy implant while she’s fixing the cavity!? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Now Julie has never hid again. As for all I know, now she has never had another hole in her again.

Well, that’s a relief, but I’m still left with questions. Was she a baby tooth? Did she fall out anyway, making her whole life futile and this title more of an existential thing? Did the dentist give her cool spy gadgets? What did she do with her invisibility power? What about the espionage? COME ON, JULIE, YOU HAD SO MUCH PROMISE. Sigh. Some things I guess are too powerful for us mere mortals to know.

So yeah, 9-year-old me’s take on dental care. Brush your damn teeth or else an anthropomorphic tooth will take it into their own hands to drag you to the dentist and become a spy. Or something.

I’ll let Julie sign off from here (Seriously, she’s a supervillain! She’s back with the wig again – WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU, JULIE!?).

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One thought on “The Lost Manuscripts: The Tooth Who Didn’t Want to be Cleaned

  1. Lots of fun to read the original along with your commentary! Dentists are still not my favorite place to go. Nathan used to hate the dentist because he hated the taste of the flouride she brushed on at the end of the exam, and that was even at a children’s dentist who had toys in the waiting room, children’s videos to watch while she worked in his mouth, you name it! Finally he found a flavor he liked–strawberry, probably when he was 13 years old. Good luck with tracking down Julie and her spy endeavors.

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